Last night, after Sara, Mum and I watched the Duggars we sat up talking for awhile and all I have to say is how grateful I am of how Mum and Sara put up with me at my worst...not only that, the Lord uses them all the time to speak truth to me and put my focus back on the Lord and off of myself.
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A little background: I've been over-stressing lately about Christmas presents-and how I should've gotten started earlier...I digress. Simply put, Satan weaseled his way into my thoughts last night and had me believing lies about how I'm not good enough, I should be more productive, et cetera. So I spewed out all of these lies I was convinced was true, with an emotional cloudburst-tears of self-pity and frustration abounding. Mum and Sara provided me with spiritual and practical advice to my 'huge' predicament.....but the real predicament was my heart attitude, as I reflected back later on Mom's words and God's still small voice in my heart.
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I am a perfectionist. I place my 'standards' and 'ideals' of certain things higher than anything-without even pausing to ask the Lord for direction until after I am so worked up and emotional from believing Satan's lies. Perfectionism is just a layer of the root of pretty much all of my character flaws and struggles: pride. I have to daily, several times, remember to ask the Lord to shatter my pride if I catch it rearing it's ugly head. "Judge not lest ye be judged" and "Grace to the humble" are two of the verses (I'm terrible with remembering references) that I tell myself when I count to ten and (sometimes literally) bite my tongue.
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For a long time, until the Lord brought me fully and completely to surrender and Himself, I struggled with condemnation for constantly failing in my endeavers to be like Christ, not being perfect and seemingly never to conquer my fears, insecurities and failures. Occasionally I hear whispers of 'You'll never be good enough' or 'you won't ever conquer xyz' from Satan and I've noticed an interesting pattern: he catches us when our hearts and minds are most vulnerable. We are vulnerable if we do not keep the Lord, the Gospel in the forefront of our minds and our ears open to the Holy Spirit to rebuke Satan's whispers.
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When I fall, stumble and see my sin constantly before me, and Satan's condemning voice begins, I need to look up and see the cross. Look away from my sin, repent and keep God's eternal, unwavering grace in the forefront of my mind. The writer of the hymn, Amazing Grace, said once, "I am a great sinner...but Christ is a great Savior." Paul writes in Philippians 1:6: "...He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."
There but for the grace of God, go I.
Sola Gratia!
